Lately I have been feeling “OLD”. I told the Lord last night, “Jesus, I am old. I know to You I’m not. I know You are the Ancient of Days, but for me, this (32) is OLD”. But I wasn’t just referring to my age, I was referring to the living for Him part. I was referring to the emptiness I can feel on this path.
I know in my head the emptiness is more or less due to my own brokenness. My own lack of experiencing His love. But part of it I think is the emptying of my heart, desires and dreams. I look back at this path and see how He led me to lay down my life.
I should be grateful.
In truth, so many of my desires were unhealthy. I had an unhealthy heart that desired harmful things. I know w/o a doubt I would be dead, abused or something even worse had I followed my own path. But even knowing these things in my head, my heart still struggles with the death to self.
I was reading a blog post this morning by Heather Lindsey. I really admire her faith and heart for the Lord. Her tenacity to cling to Him no matter what. I look at other people and desire the faith they seem to display. Do you ever do that? God told me it is b/c I think that somehow it is easier for them. While all I feel is how hard this walk is most days. I basically compare my lowlights with their highlights. Truth is, we all have our ups and downs with Him. Usually my ups and downs are w/in the same day, which shows me how much more I need to be balanced in my emotions (and thoughts).
Anyways, I was reading Heather’s blog and really enjoyed her testimony of the path she has walked. I could do the very same thing she did. Look back and see, step by step how God led me on His path and how I ended up where I am today. In fact, I probably will do that in a personal journal…
One thing I agree with her on is that we can easily feel purposeless when we are not in constant communication with Him. I know that my thoughts and heart quickly drift toward the negative when I am not intentionally focusing on the positive. It seems to take so much work to focus my thoughts on His faithfulness, love, trust, etc…that is why this blog is so helpful. It helps me encourage myself…and hopefully you too!
Last night, while “feeling old”, I admitted to myself my struggle with contentment. My struggle with feeling like I have given my all and have not gotten my desires met in this season. I can look back and see the pattern in my life; He has met many desires after I have put Him first. I can see the patterns of waiting and Him building my faith. I can see the patterns of me wanting the seemingly “good” thing and Him keeping me for the “better” thing. But even knowing all of that, does not make the current waiting seasons any easier. It is as if I don’t have that past experience to go off sometimes.
One thing I tell myself is, I just need to keep moving forward. I know that in time His purpose and way is revealed. In time I grow in character, understanding and faith. Even if today I don’t have understanding and I am tired and this seems to be hard work, one day I know it won’t. One day I know I will feel His fulfillment. One day I will see how everything He was doing was in my best interest, and for His glory.