This morning I had a great time with Jesus. We met around 4am and for about an hour I struggled to get out of bed, make some tea and move our meeting spot to the living room couch. I read an old journal last night and it stunned me how much I have transformed over the years. It is truly a metamorphosis. I had some great experiences as a babe in the Lord. He revealed Himself in magnificent ways. It trips me out how much the dynamic of Our relationship has changed since those early days. No more crazy charismatic experiences. Visions, dreams, signs and wonders. Now it is the slow and steady. “Can I hang with Jesus?” Is more of the question I’ve been asked these 9 years.
Side note, I just tried to drink my coffee with just one french vanilla creamer b/c I need less sugar in my diet and it was a mess. I had to go back and get 2.
Ok, so where were we? Oh yea, so these 9 years have not only developed my character and maturity but have changed me in so many areas like my thought processes and decision making abilities. I felt like I would be talking to a less mature, younger version of myself if I were to speak with the girl who wrote those entries. I feel so much older and wiser now! I guess that is a good thing b/c not everyone actually matures as they get older. After reading I had to marvel at the Lord’s intention to create a path that would mold and shape me into the woman I am now. Every heartbreak, every set back, every wound, every period of waiting, every test, every blessing, every season of restoration, every single detail of my life has been created to make me this woman. To reveal my true identity. And He does this with every single person on the planet! I mean really, how does He do it?! I cannot fathom the mind of Christ. I cannot fathom how great He is. And yet He chooses to live w/in us and give us His mind.
I talked to Him this morning about the fact that He is ridding me of this neediness that has plagued me most of my life. I had a false belief. I did not believe I was loved and so the enemy used that as grounds to send me counterfeit, misguided love. I was trying to fill my neediness with what I was missing and what I felt I was missing. And it wasn’t until this season that I can see clearly: I am loved. He loves me. He wanted me before I was in my mother’s womb. It is like Dr. Myles Monroe said, the Father desires each person on this planet no matter their birth situation, no matter their circumstances with their parents. HE wants them! I remember God telling me that when I cried over losing a friend. When I felt so much rejection. “But I want you Nicole!!!” He was yelling it. Yelling it as they nailed Him to the cross and he bled to death.
I cannot fathom His love. I’m just so glad I can finally see more of it. When men pursued me, I still held a false belief that the Lord was against me and so I clung to these men. I believed a man loved me more than the Lord did. I trusted a man more than I trusted Jesus. I was a fool. But my foolishness was rooted in the false belief that I was not loved.
On V Day my mom got me a card that said “you are so loved!” and I knew it was Holy Spirit. That’s what parents are for. They are to affirm their children that they are loved, wanted and accepted. When children do not receive this message it opens them up to the world’s counterfeit love which is really lust, infatuation and fantasy. I prayed for this generation this morning that they would know the Father’s love. That they would understand that He has a unique plan for each person’s life that He created. Many fall prey to the homosexual movement simply b/c they do not feel loved. They do not feel accepted. I have been a prime example of someone who did not know her worth, her value and would sell herself at the lowest bidder.
He saw me in my foolishness, rescued me from myself and called me His. He gave me His name and took me as His own. Even after I kept trying to go back to my old ways. I am a witness. God will do it. He will rescue you from the darkness, clean you, dress you in fine robes, and present you as His spotless Bride.