This morning I woke up and spent time with Jesus. I had to. Because bad memories that I can normally suppress during the day find themselves in my dreams. They surface in my sleep. So I had to go to Jesus. I really wish I was more consistent with meeting Him in the morning. You know, like when I don’t need something. When I just want to spend time with Him. But alas, the most consistency I display in making my way to Our meeting times is, well, when I’m facing something urgent. Something too big for me. Something only He can handle.
So I met Him. And we had tea, and sat together in my papa san chair, in silence. I hoped I was doing this right…this quieting my soul and spending time with Him. I hoped I was right that we are not human-doings but human-beings and Holy Spirit prefers the quiet of my soul over me journaling or reading scripture or praying/worshipping. There is nothing wrong with praying and worshipping but I want to be more sensitive to my motive behind committing these acts. I don’t want to do them to “check them off my list” and feel like a “good Christian”. I want to do them because He is leading me to. And lately He has been leading me to do nothing. To sit and be.
So I sat and was.
I talked to Him about the thing too big for me to handle. The thing I barely write about even in personal journal entries because it is too big for me. I told Him, “Today I need Jesus”. Usually I need the Father, because I’m wired that way. But today I needed Jesus. The person. The human who understood this type of experience I was going through. I felt a little silly asking for Jesus, because, well Jesus and the Father are the same. But He knew what I meant. And He knew what I needed. And He gave it to me. I felt Him. In this intimate way I’ve been feeling Him in this season. In this way I would not have felt Him had I not obeyed. And I let the tears flow. I rested my being into Him and worshipped.
Last night I was talking to a friend about God. She shared the desire to feel Him physically. I too have had that desire. But I can also share that in this season I am more aware of His being and His presence. And I shared with her that I think the spiritual can be even more real than the natural. We are spirit beings and we relate to God spirit-to-spirit. It is in my heart that I sense Him. It is like His hands are wrapped around my heart and they are holding it tightly and I am becoming more aware of His hold. It is comforting and loving and everything I need.
“You are my foundation” I tell Him because I know that is what He is revealing in this season. The idols, the friendships, the relationships, the career advancement, everything I wanted more than Him. Everything I made my foundation at one time. He has removed them so that once again, I put Him first. So that when everything is shaken I am not, because He holds me. Strong and sturdy. In His palm.