Still Growing Up

For the first time today I admitted to myself, I don’t have it all together (you have no idea how much it freaks me out to admit this).  My plan isn’t working.  My future is not revealed.  I’m 30 and still wondering.  And that’s ok…  But not really.  Not for a type A planner, go-getter, ambitious, goal-oriented person such as myself that is.  I’m floundering without a goal.  But I’m too tired to make it happen.  Too tired to push forward.  I feel like floating for a while…In some ways I feel like I’m waiting to grow up.  Waiting to have it together.  I thought 30 would be enough time, but it seems I need more.  I think Taylor Swift put it well:

It’s alright, just wait and see
Your string of lights is still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not where you’ve been
You’re still an innocent

It’s okay, life is a tough crowd
32 and still growin’ up now
Who you are is not what you did
You’re still an innocent

I remember in my early 20’s after graduation, the extreme frustration of having to live with my mom.  Of not having a job and not having independence.  It took me ’til 25 to spread my wings and fly and for me that was behind schedule.  For those on the outside looking in I’ve done it.  Achieved. Arrived.  But in my heart there is so much more.  I never wanted the ordinary.  I always wanted the best.  So for them these achievements may be sufficient but for me they are just the foundation. 

I want more.  I want the best.

But I find comfort in Taylor’s words b/c I never knew one could still be wondering in their 30’s.  Or maybe I just never knew that it was ok for me to still be wondering…

It’s alright, just wait and see
Your string of lights is still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not where you’ve been
You’re still an innocent

It’s okay, life is a tough crowd
32 and still growin’ up now
Who you are is not what you did
You’re still an innocent

So I want to lay down the pretenses.  Throw in my hand and fold.  I don’t have it together.  And I’m told that’s ok.  Even at 30…

It’s okay, life is a tough crowd
32 and still growin’ up now
Who you are is not what you did
You’re still an innocent

Lost your balance on a tightrope
It’s never too late to get it back…
          

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