Learning Me

Yesterday I went to the beach after work. This time no kids in tow and no meeting friends. Just me, a book, and a blanket. It was much needed downtime. I picked the perfect spot of shade and sun and sprawled out on my stomach. I noticed a few other book readers enjoying the experience of being around people w/o the pressure to interact with others. An introvert’s dream.    I enjoyed the moment. I enjoyed being in the thick of summer, being free to just BE with no additional responsibilities outside of work and providing for myself financially. Summer has that effect on me. Everything is so light and free flowing, gone is the heaviness of winter. The burden to endure the below zero temperatures is lifted and everyone just seems happier. Or maybe it’s just that I’m happier. There was a young couple in eye sight sitting on the rocks and I couldn’t help but smile. Young love. Even if it’s misguided and dysfunctional and a ship wreck waiting to happen, I felt the need to enjoy the thin veil of appearance and not “go deep” the way my mind always seems to these days. For all I know they are healthy and happy and will eventually enjoy a 50-year-marriage, birth 2.5 kids and live happily ever after. Summer has even lifted my cynicism. Slightly.  

I stayed for a couple of hours, eventually having to put on my headphones as the kiddos appeared. I must admit, I love not having kids right now. I love not having to be bombarded with noise when I don’t welcome it or always having to think about others. I know. I’m spoiled. That of course does not mean I don’t want them. I just know how to enjoy having this time w/o them. I appreciate naps and down time and reading on the beach in silence. Even with that appreciation, I am still adjusting to the season. Not the physical season, but the spiritual one. I am still adjusting to it just being me. I spent so long hiding in friendships and relationships, losing my identity, and now for the first time it is being fully restored. I am being fully restored.

I left the beach and settled in for the night, reading and watching tv. I woke up this morning and went for a run. It took everything in me to get out of bed a full hour before my normal and run 2 miles, but I needed it. My eating habits have been awful. Maybe not awful to the average person but awful for someone who has to be conscious of everything she is putting in her mouth. So I went for a run. And this was another experience for me to have while my identity is being restored. True, I have been running for years and generally run by myself but it was the state of my heart during this run. I know God is cultivating oneness with Him in this season. He is teaching me how to run alone. Though in some ways I have always ran alone, but I was normally depending on someone else emotionally. There is no one else to depend on now. It’s just Him.

So I ran and it wasn’t as difficult as it usually is. I finished it well and I thanked Him for that.  

I know He is carving out a full life for me in this season. I know He is showing me that He is all and He is fulfilling. Even if it is awkward, and unfamiliar and even scary at times, I’m in good hands. Whether on the beach, or running or spending time with loved ones, He is there and that will never change.

SHALOM