I was standing near her grave feeling a little awkward because he was standing there too. Never could you have told me we would be in this position (on speaking terms, let alone at her grave). I had come there a little early with a friend so I could have alone time to think about them; the women who had gone before me. The ones who paved the way.
Years ago when my grandmother passed I never visited the cemetery. I didn’t see a need to, she wasn’t there. Instead she was with her Maker. Now that both of them are gone I have found the grave to be a place of connection. I connect with Him.
I connect with them.
So when he asked me if he could come too, well, I was understandably hesitant. We hadn’t really spoken in two years, when everything happened. When I shut the door to further communication. So meeting with him in such a vulnerable place would be a risk. But one I felt Holy Spirit was leading me to take.
My bestfriend was there with me. And really she is my sister. She’s been by my side since I was 14 years old. We fell out in college (over what, neither of us can remember) but she was already grafted into my family by then. My mom and gramma held on to her. I think they were saving her for me for when I would be mature enough to value her.
And oh how I value her…
It was a rainy day, although it wasn’t currently raining, and I was fighting a fierce cold. So inconvenient considering the world was dealing with a pandemic with the same symptoms. We kept taking my temperature and I was assured I didn’t have this illness, this COVID-19. But I did have a cold and it wasn’t letting up. I was just going to have to push through.
He and I didn’t embrace when we met out of precaution because he’s older, but I felt his love just the same. We stood there and talked and it was clear to me he finally had gotten it.
“Thank you for calling me out on my sh$t,” he said. I appreciated his frankness. He was finally demonstrating those qualities I had desired for so long: humility, ownership of wrongdoing, maturity. These were qualities I had wanted in a male counterpart. In the past I had wanted these men to see that me walking out of their lives was the worse thing to have happened and they needed to get it together to get me back. But they wouldn’t. Now standing here in front of this man, my own father, I realized he was the one who really needed to get it. And he did.
He finally did.
I was guarded but he still made me laugh and even tear up. “You are mine,” he said. “You will always be mine. You can hate me but that will never change.” And I was immediately reminded of the Father’s love, and of my mother’s (both are the same really). It was evident that was the love that was in his heart.
He and I are closer in physical distance than we have been my whole life. I told him God was giving him a new beginning. Now I can see that He is giving us a new beginning.
I feel the Father has said the warfare that has come against our relationship these 30+ years is finally over. He is giving us time. Just as He did with my own mother.
The Father has been so merciful with me. I have experienced great pain and heartache within the area of relationships and family, yet He has chosen to move and bring restoration and redemption.
It has not been easy, nor will it be. But He has still been working, bringing about His promises in His own time. And for that I am grateful.
He is still producing miracles.
Even in the mundane.
P.S, Here is a pic from my 37th b day! Fierce and Fabulous 😊😉