It’s the New Year. And normally I would do a summary of the old year. I would reflect on all He had done and how He had moved and how far I had come. But I won’t do that this year. Not because He hadn’t moved and He hadn’t done and I hadn’t come. But because it still hurts.
When I think about this season I realize it is the pattern He has always used with me. A series of high-highs and low-lows. Except the lows were exceptionally low this time. And maybe, in some sense, the highs were exceptionally high. I guess it is a result of the advancement in the journey. The “greater levels” Church culture speaks of.
I ended 2018 on a “high” note. I spent 2 weeks in the Caribbean with a dear sister and friend. A woman who has been by my side for over 20 years. We are amazed at that fact by the way! She is the only one who “knew me then”, and I her. She was the one who stayed the longest when my mom moved on to glory and she was the one my mom loved the most. Growing up she didn’t have a close family and unbeknownst to me, mine became hers. My grandmother and mother invested in her immensely and I don’t doubt that the fruit of her accomplishments and successes will be distributed to their heavenly accounts.
As we traveled to Mexico and then Honduras and then Belize, I thought about these great women who came before us. They were the reason we could lay on white sandy beaches, swim in clear blue waters, ride on beautiful stallions and visit the Mayan Ruins. They were the reason we could live life so abundantly.
So often I think back on my childhood. I realize there is no one on this planet who will appreciate it as much as those two women. Who will “oooh” and “awww” over my baby pictures. Who will be more excited then me for my next birthday.
These are the lows.
I realize I must process it all in order to move forward. Healing can only come through truth. And the truth is, life is both. It is high and low. It is dark and light. And I don’t know if we really appreciate the light unless there is darkness.
After my cruise I met with a different sort of companion. We exchanged late Christmas gifts and made up for our time apart. We watched movies and had dates and went ice skating. It was clear the Father was giving me what I longed for, for so long. And on New Years Eve, I got my New Years’ kiss. Something I had never before experienced. Another high.
I was asked what I wanted in 2019. What was my goal? What did I want to accomplish? “Healing”, I said. Knowing it was not necessarily what I wanted, but what I needed.
“Healing and restoration”.
I have always been someone very sensitive to times and seasons. I was excited to see how the Father was working in my life in the earth. I enjoy seeing the purpose of numbers and calendars (both Hebraic and Gregorian), but time seemed to have stopped this past year. And maybe if it didn’t necessarily stop, it didn’t seem to matter as much.
Going into this new season I look forward to building my business. I have already received my first paycheck which overwhelms me with encouragement. I look forward to enjoying my loved ones and being grateful for those who are here to offer comfort and support in this journey. I truly don’t deserve the love they have demonstrated.
And I look forward to the moments I have with him. The man who treats me better than any man has ever treated me before.
The Father is full of surprises. He knows those hard things and though He doesn’t exempt us from them He offers support and strength as we walk through them. Through it all I know one thing is certain, He is there. And He cares.