Things I wish I Could Say

I wish I could tell you how much your anger hurts me. It unleashes so quickly and easily, whipping lashes at the nearest person, successfully creating lasting scars, much like slaves received years ago. I received so many lashes myself over the years and didn’t even realize it. They weren’t physical but they were verbal and hurt just the same. 

They slashed through my heart and told me I was not loved. You did not love me because if you did, why would you so easily lash out at me with anger? Of course maturity is teaching me how not to take these things personally. Maturity is teaching me to see that even though you are looking at me and snarling angry things at me, it is not really me you are seeing. It is the wounds of your past. The fear and chaos that surrounded you that you had no control over.  But how long did that take for me to see? And does the fact that your anger is not really against me, make the damage done any less? 

It’s interesting how I shook my fist at others, and was so mad at their codependency. I stood on my high horse and looked down on them b/c they did not use words. And I needed words. But I have done the same. I have kept quiet and shrunk away. I did this in automatic response to your anger. I did not even know I was doing it. I did not even realize that when others were around, my personality changed. I was brighter, I was engaging and I was social. It was b/c these people were not easily angered. They were a safe place. Your anger has kept you from being a safe place for me. So I tucked myself inside myself and hid, hoping to avoid the lashes that undoubtedly would come. And a wall was built around my heart to protect me. Because I needed protection from the rejection and emotional abandonment that was clearly seen in your eyes and demonstrated with every angry word.

Interestingly enough, I too am easily angered. I have lashed out and pushed others away b/c of my wounds. I have responded in the same manner and it has cost me. At least now I can see how it feels to be on the receiving end of those brutal lashes. And they are brutal. Especially to a child who automatically takes things personally. 

And even to an adult who is learning not to.

It would take a lot of bravery for me to say these things. It would mean intentionally taking down those bricks I stacked around my heart to keep me safe. That was my coping mechanism b/c even though the words were never spoken out loud, your actions made it clear I could easily be disowned if I voiced my disagreement. 

I have easily disowned others when they have voiced their disagreement.

It would take a lot of courage for me to say these words. I have just now found the right ones to express what it is I have been feeling. What it is that is keeping that wall up around my heart. The one you never knew was there b/c I too have been a master at enabling and hiding. I too have people pleased out of fear of rejection.  

It would take some vulnerability on my part and that would mean exposing myself to a potentially unsafe person. And it would also take love. Love to share the hard things in hopes that it could be better. We could be better. 

Because I do want better. I do want you to be a safe place. And I do want love to win over anger.