Several years ago in my early 20s my friends and I read a slew of books on singleness and dating. We had dated in the world and knew that wasn’t God’s desire so certainly dating according to the teaching of the church would equip us with the godly marriage we wanted. I’m using sarcasm here just in case you couldn’t tell. And not sarcasm from bitterness. Just sarcasm because of the lack of knowledge we and the church had at that time.
Anyways, one of the books we read (I really can’t remember which one) encouraged the reader to go on a “dating fast”. Meaning we were to set aside a period of time to not date and just spend time with the Lord. I remember going on the dating fast and how hard it was for me. Not that a slew of men were beating down my door for a date. No, not at all. But it was difficult b/c I had some unhealthy non-romantic male relationships in my life. And by the leading of Holy Spirit I was not in communication with any men at the time (outside of church functions of course). I had already broken up with the guy who broke my heart and was feeling rather lonely b/c of it (which is pretty normal after facing heartbreak). I remember at one point looking at my phone contacts and not seeing any men’s phone numbers. It was the weirdest feeling in the world b/c I was so used to having male companionship. One night during my dating fast I went on a “date” with Jesus. We ate at a restaurant, I had my meal and sat there with all of my heart focused on the Lord. It was so painful for me and I felt so empty. I had no idea that I was just beginning my journey of healing and wholeness. I thought that giving up that relationship was enough and giving up the male companions I had at that time were enough. I thought going on dates with Jesus and fasting from men and spending time with God meant that I was ready for a godly marriage. After all, that is what the books I was reading taught me. That if I just do x, y, and z, I would be “blessed”.
What those books didn’t tell me, and what I wish I knew then, was that I was already blessed. I was already a whole person and did not need another person to complete me (though I would probably have still needed a revelation of this in my heart to receive it). I wish those books told me that I actually needed a lot of counseling to deal with childhood trauma and my own dysfunction and the blood of Jesus was not an overnight fix of my deeply rooted issues.
But thankfully I had the Holy Spirit and His gift of counseling led me on a path of wisdom, though until now I never knew it.
After the dating fast, I discovered there were a lot of other different people and things that were rivaling my affection for God. There were a lot of other idols in my heart. And one by one, He asked me to sacrifice them for Him. But that old idol of marriage (as well as men and sex) was going to take some time to get rid of b/c it had infiltrated my bloodline through the choices of my ancestors and was in fact, a generational curse. The idolatry of marriage also permeated the culture I lived in and even the church culture I was a part of. It was going to take time to walk in freedom from this particular stronghold.
There is wisdom being dispersed today in the church regarding being a healthy single and having healthy relationships. Maybe this teaching has always been around but Holy Spirit only allowed this to be given to me at this time. But I am apt to agree with Dr. Myles Monroe in “Purpose and Power of a Man” when he says previous generations did not have time to get healthy and work towards meeting their emotional, intellectual and spiritual needs. They married young, had a family and were focused on providing for that family. They did not have time to get healthy. They were just trying to survive.
God has blessed me with time to not survive but to overcome and thrive. I was just sharing with my boss yesterday all of my recent and upcoming trips and events I have experienced. I would not have had those experiences had I chosen my own way. I would have missed out on so much b/c I was so focused on marriage and children. I was fearful of never experiencing marriage b/c I was fearful of never being loved. I equated marriage with love. I equated a man with being wanted and needed. I thought only a man could fulfill the gaping hole in my heart.
It has been a rocky path, but I am seeing the victory. I think back on my 20-something self and on her dating fast. I watch her in my minds’ eye fighting against her own desires and pain, pushing forward on a seemingly endless journey of faith and I’m so grateful she did. Even though it was hard and she had no idea what God was doing in her, I can say now it was to reveal His best in her. And to make sure that He is first in her heart.
Now I dont desire a “godly” marriage. Instead I desire a healthy one. Because I am a whole person and need my relationship to reflect this wholeness in all areas of life; spiritual, mental, physical and emotional.
SHALOM
You are right on course. In your generation, there are so many more opportunties in life to take advantage of as a single or married person which you can take as a gift or blessing. I remember later in life when I went to college that I had to take a marriage class which was about how much a person’s background plays in their choices of choosing a mate but I had already been married at that time and I often reflect on that class and feel that it is needed in high school and churches for young adults classes as we didn’t really know that where we came from with our families ( as they didn’t really talk much about their personal life) just concerned about surviving along with love ( which can come from many sources) and after someone dies in the families, you may hear stories that you had not heard before which may shed some light on who you are and where you really came from along with the history of cities, states, education, jobs vs. careers, grandparents, marriages, how you are related to so and so but now I think that my generation has shared more with our children etc. so they have something to compare to and maybe give them some directions. We all choose to try and make our own way with our own choices as not to do what our parents/grandparents etc. did but you say to yourself – I am going to do it my way. Sometimes it works out and sometime it does not and have the same results that your relatives had. Life does go full circle and you will get that feeling at times that “you have arrived” either from your mistakes or God’s blessings over and over again. He is always waiting and listening!!!
Tx Linda! It is in this season that I am learning how IMPORTANT it is to know your own family history and background and the person you are dating’s history. There is much pain and hardships that can be avoided by counseling and working through issues BEFORE marriage if you know the red flags and what to look for. God has been so good to give me time to learn myself and heal in broken areas that would have caused unnecessary pain in future relationships. He is FAITHFUL😁.
Amen! Nicole, you hit the nail on the head! Wonderful perspective. More women should read this.
Ty so much Jocelynn! That is so encouraging! This path has not been easy but I can see the benefits of waiting on the Lord. There is time to grow and mature and develop as a whole person. Blessings to you and yours!