I kept finding myself in this place of frustration and anger at the seemingly standstill in my career. I mean anyone from the outside looking in would surely agree that I was stuck. Day in, day out of routine and mundane and a toxic environment were wearing me out. And comparing myself with my peers just made me feel even more discouraged.
Rule # 1, never compare yourself with anyone. Rule #2, never compare yourself with others who appear to be doing better than you in this particular season. I mean if you’re gonna compare, at least make yourself feel better by thinking of those doing worse LOL. Just kidding. There is no rule #2. Just don’t compare.
So anyways, I was miserable. And others in my situation were miserable. And we would get together and try to encourage each other but our miserableness (real word?) would not go away. “God, I am not fulfilling my potential professionally” I would tell Him. Didn’t He see that I was being underutilized? Didn’t He know that I was called to more? Didn’t He know me at all??? But the real question was, didn’t I know Him? Didn’t I know from past experiences that when he presses the pause button on my life He is after something entirely different than what I am after? What society is after? What my mom, who tells me every time I talk to her, is after? (bless her heart) Didn’t I know that He is after character development, maturity and making me just a little bit better than I was before He pressed pause? So finally I got the memo. After years of wondering what in the world my purpose was. Years of submitting and obeying and yielding. I finally saw what it is:
True gain is eternal.
My purpose and identity were not found in a job title. They were not found in a promotion. They were found in my obedience. They were found in choosing to submit to toxic, dysfunctional leadership because the Alpha & Omega was over that leadership and in truth I was really submitting to Him.
I’m reminded of Esther. This woman was called to submit to a King. This King had the power to kill her and she feared that he would when she requested he save her people. The fact that she had a husband whom she feared may kill her proves that Xerxes was probably not the nicest guy to have for a husband. He probably wasn’t the easiest person to submit to. He probably was very dysfunctional. But she submitted. Her submission did not come out of nowhere. She had been practicing her whole life submitting to her cousin Mordecai. She was lowly and humble and served with a servant’s heart. This was crafted in her, preparing her for her calling to save her people.
This is what Holy Spirit was teaching me. Humility and unconditional respect are beautiful and rare qualities in Corporate America. Jesus met me and gave me a heart change cultivating both qualities in me in this season. Instead of criticizing I pray. Instead of arguing I submit. Instead of judging I seek the Father. He is changing me from the inside once again because somewhere along the way my heart became wayward and I forgot the lessons I learned so long ago.
And there is now peace where there was anger and frustration. There is clarity on my purpose. There is a commitment to making this thing work. To having those vulnerable conversations and growing as a professional. Professional development does not only come through in advanced assignments but in the responses and attitude of an individual.
My heart is to daily walk out an attitude of servant hood. Because as Im learning that is true leadership.
Me with my coworkers…