I’m not a man so I can’t fathom the temptation to engage a beautiful, godly, woman in conversation. To proceed with texting her, calling her, and showering her with terms of endearment (via social media or otherwise), all the while having no intention to commit to her. I can’t possibly fathom that temptation.
I’m not a man so I don’t know what it’s like when passivity is more desirable than responsibility. When fear outweighs your innate purpose to lead, and your insecurity in leading prevents you from marrying.
Let’s be honest man of God, you’re outnumbered in the body of Christ. You have your pick of the litter. It goes without saying you will attract a flock of women simply because… You. Are. Rare. Your drive and devotion to the Most High is attractive. Your heart to do God’s will is precious. Your love for Jesus is amazing. And yet you have not matured in the area of relating to women. Relating to your sisters. Your sisters whose hearts were created to be given away, but due to your inability to commit, they are forced to face the daily struggle of guarding their own hearts themselves. This struggle is ferocious.
I’m not a man, so as a woman I can only create my own interpretation of the reason for your immaturity.
Reason #1: You were wounded. You once dated someone who you finally gave your heart to. You trusted her. You thought she was “the one”. Our society teaches us that men are weak if they are in love (this is a myth, by the way). Men are to have sex, not be in love. But you did. You fell in love and it was wonderful. But then she broke your heart right along with your ego. Your pride was crushed, and in the secret compartments of your being, you promised to never let her in again. And every woman, whom you encountered after that woman, became her. The one who conquered and broke your heart.
Reason #2: You were a player before Jesus. You played the game so well in the world you’re not even aware that you brought the game into the church. You deceived yourself into believing that because you’re not sleeping with these women, you’re not hurting them (that’s a lie too, by the way). But I can assure you, you would have done them more of a service had you slept with them and never called them again. Then, at least, they would know your real motive was only to use them and discard them. The game you’re playing now, only keeps them believing that you indeed have honorable intentions towards them. The fact that you have not physically consummated your relationship, misleads them into thinking you actually respect them. But true respect is giving them the commitment they deserve, or else being honest that you are not ready for such a commitment (if the latter, man up and commit).
Reason #3: Maybe you are just lonely. Please, if that is the case, than get a dog. If you already have a dog, buy another one. Don’t use a woman’s sensitive nature and compassion to your advantage. Trust me when I say, you are just ruining her for the real thing. There will be a time when she needs to share her heart with the right man. To trust that man with her heart and because of your shenanigans she’ll be too fearful and wounded to do so.
Out of all the scriptures you’ve learned, try committing this one to memory: 1 Thessalonians 4:6 “…no one should take advantage of and defraud his brother…” The definition of defraud is: to swindle, cheat, rob, embezzle, deceive, dupe, hoodwink, double-cross and trick. While the English use of this word is mostly associated with monetary robbery, I believe God considers the hearts of His daughters to be worth more than any earthly treasure. Don’t you?
The context of the passage that this verse is found in is addressing sexual immorality and stealing physical intimacy. But Christ said that if you even look at a woman sexually, you are an adulterer. If you hate a man in your heart you have murdered him and are a murderer. So I say, if you steal from your sister her emotions and time and energy, you are a thief. The thief is to pay back 7 times what he has stolen.
This letter is not addressed to every single man of God. It is only for those who need to awaken to the defrauding they are committing against their sisters in the Lord. I understand single men and women are learning how to develop healthy and appropriate friendships. We are not 100% sure what those look like but we can be sure of what they do not look like. They do not cause the woman to feel empty, depleted or used in the midst of, or at the culmination of the “friendship”.
Just as a married man is to protect and honor his wife by being faithful to her, you, single man of God, are to clearly communicate your intentions to your sister and guard her heart. In doing so, you will not only preserve her for her future spouse, you will glorify your Father in heaven.
In Love & Truth,
Your Sister, Nicole