I’ve seen it more often than not. A girl meets a nice guy, thinks he’s the one, ignores the red flags and lies to herself about the ones she can’t ignore. She gives him her heart. It doesn’t work out after “x” amount of time. They break up, she’s in pain and he’s moved on. I was that girl.
I’m no expert, but I can say I have some experience. Enough experience not to travel down that road again! And of course, a guy can have his heart broken as well, but since I’m a girl and really only know about “girl’s issues”, I’ll be speaking from a female perspective. But to my male readers, do feel free to chime in in the comments section below :-).
So how does one recover after their life seems like it’s over? And this is not a dramatic statement. Your life seems over because that person WAS your life. When they walked out the door, every moment you gave them, hours long conversations you shared, and emotions you invested, walked out the door with them. If you were physically intimate you became “one” and now there are soul ties (Genesis 2:24), making you feel as if your other half is gone. As if you are no longer a whole person. It is one of the most emotionally painful feelings in the world to feel as if you’ve lost yourself.
I don’t believe anyone can know how deeply he or she felt about a person until that person is removed from his or her life. All of a sudden you find yourself behaving in ways you never thought you were capable of. I can relate to this. I’ve never physically assaulted someone but surely attempted to do so when I found myself on the receiving end of heartbreak. The degree of pain may vary from one person to the next but there is one thing that remains the same across the board for healing to flow.
That one thing is time.
Sure, you can jump into a new relationship thinking that will help you get over your last love, but that will only add more baggage to your soul. More than likely you’ll subconsciously make the new guy pay for the old guys’ actions. And if you’re new guy isn’t healed than your new romance is just a time bomb waiting to explode. So take time for yourself. Time to get know you and be honest with yourself about your poor judgment which led to this tragic end. Also, use this time to shed off the old habits you unknowingly took up as a result of hanging out with that special someone 24-7. It’s natural to develop someone else’s tastes and preferences when you’ve been hanging out with them for a lengthy period of time. We do this with friends and even more so with romantic relationships. But now it’s time you understand your identity and separate from the things that were a part of his’. So, for example, if you guys had this special “hangout” spot you frequently visited, I would say take a break from it… indefinitely.
In addition to taking out time for you (and refraining from a new romance), surround yourself with healthy life-giving relationships. Hopefully you didn’t drop all of your friends as a result of your relationship. But even if you did, if they’re your real friends, they’ll take you back. It’s so helpful to have a community of folks to offer you love and friendship when that special someone did the exact opposite. When someone breaks your heart, often we unconsciously receive the message of rejection. And because they meant so much to us, that rejection can seem to be the truth, as if we deserved to be rejected. But the truth is everyone is worthy of acceptance. Immerse yourself in a group of individuals who understand that and will love on you unconditionally. Its also helpful if this group is patient enough to listen to you verbally process your pain. From my experience, it’s pretty common for the old beau’s name to enter the conversation multiple times a day for a period of time.
More specifically, this community should consist of older leaders and mentors. As a teenager I thought I knew everything (heck, even now I struggle with that mindset). But as I get older I’m learning that my elders really do have wisdom. Wisdom gained from doing life a lot longer than me. During my time of recovery I had some great spiritual leaders in my life. We didn’t just talk at church but we did life together. I was often over someone’s house, with their kids, around their families, just hanging out. I desperately needed that. I had a huge hole in my heart and being with them proved to be instrumental in closing it up.
Additionally, practice looking forward to the future, instead of backwards to your past. There was a reason the relationship ended. You need to remind yourself of that so that you don’t cause yourself additional unnecessary heartache by being entangled in the relationship again.
These are just a few of the things I can see that assisted me in my healing. There’s no formula really, as everyone is different. But I do think implementing these practices will be helpful in your journey to overcome heartache. The bad news is, you’re broken hearted. The good news is, it won’t last forever. The most painful times in our lives can be used to make us wiser, more mature, more compassionate and more humble. If we heal from them, that is. Otherwise we’ll just be bitter and angry.
Its important to note that heartache can not only be a result of someone breaking up with you, but it can result in you having to give that person up because you know they are not good for you, even if you still love them, as was the case with me.
As much as I never want to go through that life experience again, I can honestly say that heartache proved to be a catalyst to propel me deeper into my purpose in God. For me to shed off the things which were hindering my true identity in Him. Let it be the same for you.
Have you experienced heartache? If so, what were some of the things you did that helped you heal? If not, what life decisions have you made which have helped to protect you from this experience?
BREAKING NEWS! My book inspired by this blog post with the same title is now available!!! To find out more click here. To purchase directly click here.
P.S, Feel free to email me: nicoledmiller1983@gmail.com if you want to talk further on this topic, thanks!
SHALOM
It is one of the most emotionally painful feelings in the world to feel as if you’ve lost yourself
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But the truth is everyone is worthy of acceptance
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Prior to my relationship now I was in an abusive relationship, physically, emotionally and mentally. It is true what you say that a new relationship does not make those old feelings go away. Though I believed that I was “in love” with this person it was more so I was afraid of what would happen if I left. I was scared for my life and how to remove myself and not get hurt. I had to move to another state just to get away but even then the nightmares haunted me. I had to learn to forgive that person and even though I no longer talk to them I had to forgive them and I had to forgive myself. Since I realized that asking for forgiveness would help I no longer dwell on the past. I still have nightmares about this person and its been almost 8 years since I left but there is nothing I can do to completely heal. Once you are broken you stay broken, you just find ways to live around it. Everything we do impacts our lives, we just have to learn to live through all of it. <3 Loving your blog!!
Rachael, thank you so much for your transparency and for sharing. I’m so glad you made it out of that unhealthy relationship and that you understood that forgiveness was key in your healing. I do believe God can make us “whole” but it is a journey and a process. I’m glad you have moved forward. I’m sure you can look back now and see how much you’ve grown as a result of your decision to move on. I personally am not the same person I was when I first faced heartbreak. I would not make the same decisions I did regarding relationships back then, but that is because I now understand my self worth and value. This understanding resulted from me making the wrong decisions! You’re right, everything we do impacts our lives. Not only our lives but the lives of others. Here’s to continuing on this journey of healing and wholeness so that others will be affected buy our successes in this area 🙂
Nicole, what a great post! Clearly born out of experience it gives not just transparancy but also offers some very helpful advice to the brokenhearted. As i read this post some emotions tied up in old relationships surfaced momentarily (a credit to your writing!), Im so grateful to God that he binds up the broken hearted, he certainly bound me up and healed me real good! The sollution to my own broken heart was finding sollace in Gods heart… Intimacy with Him is the answer for intimacy with him (or in my case “her”!)
Thank you so much for sharing David! I’m so glad to have connected with a godly man who is transparent with his relationship with Christ as you are. I’m also especially blessed by your compliments to my writing as you are soon to be published Author 🙂 Reading your comments I’m reminded of an old school church saying “nobody does me like Jesus”…Truly He is the perfect Lover.
Nice article.
Thank you for the advice i really love your article your right it takes time to heal a broken heart but atleast you learn something for this experinces…. keep it up….
So glad you enjoyed it! It’s amazing that our pain can be used to one day help others! God bless 🙂
Thanks for your post. I’m a bit heartbroken at the moment and I KNOW that time will heal me as it has in the past. However, I’m surprised at myself (in my 60s!) at being so deeply affected by the sudden ending of a relationship which came out of nowhere, from my point of view, and from 12 years waiting from the other. How did I fall for this person in only 30 minutes and then he ended it after a few days? It was all so intense and I am having all sorts of trouble coming to terms with it. But it’s done. Gone. Dead in the water. How can he throw that away? Well, he did, and I have to go through the consequences just like any young person and their first romantic partner. Thanks.
Hi Kay, I’m so blessed that you were comforted by my post! I know from experience it is easy for women to give our hearts away and we really do not need a lot of time to do so. Hence God’s encouragement to us to guard our hearts (proverbs 4:23). I pray that you will be healed and that you will use this experience to learn from and that it will not deter you in the area of relationships. I also pray for you to be surrounded with people who love you for who you are and can affirm you. Healing can happen speedily and there’s no reason it needs to be delayed. All things work together for the good for those who love God (Romans 8:28). Feel free to email me if you ever want to talk (betterthanwine2013@yahoo.com) 🙂 Shalom!
I am heartbroken right now…going thru it since last 2 months but dont know how will cope up with it as was suddenly came face to face with reality that I am nowhere in his life though he was showing as if i was everything to him….God help me
Angel, I am praying for you. There is no getting around the pain. When you have given yourself to someone and shared in almost every aspect of their life, it is painful when they remove you. Even when you remove yourself (as was the case with me). But what I’m learning in this life is that pain is temporary. Now, my breakup resulted in years of pain. Years full of throbbing, hurting, PAIN. But even that eventually dimmed until there was no more pain. God created us to heal. Even if we cut ourselves and do nothing to medicate the cut, it will heal in time possibly leaving a scar but heal nonetheless. I promise you, YOU WILL HEAL if you allow yourself time to go through the healing process. You were created to do so. The question is, will you go through the healing process? When you’re hurting and feeling broken hearted will you turn to alcohol, and other destructive devices? I definitely made some bad choices during my heartache however ultimately my choice was to dive deeper into my spirituality and cling to the One I knew I could count on when everyone else let me down. I am now reaping the benefits of making that decision. Not only am I healed but I am over my ex. I will let you in on something. I just received a Facebook message from my ex last night. I have not heard from him in 4 years. 8 years ago, in the midst of our breakup I would have leaped with joy had I received that message, but now, I am a totally different person. I have grown and changed and matured. I cannot relate to him in the way that I did before, because I am wiser now. Some day your lover may look back and regret that he let you go, because you are a good thing. A good woman. But that will be his loss. I pray that in the coming days, months, years, you will see yourself as such. His rejection does not define you. Your worth is intrinsically based on the fact that you were created by a God who loves you and his rejection does nothing to define your worth. Feel free to email me if you ever want to talk. betterthanwine2013@yahoo.com. Keep moving forward in your journey towards healing and one day you will feel the pain dim, and then disappear.
this is very wise information. I recently broke up with my ex 2 months ago. this MOST PAINFUL experience ive ever endured. im better than I was initially. however, im still mourning. after all that has happened, I don’t think I could ever be back with him but im still longing for him?! we were together for 2 yrs, I was around him ALOT. also, he he was a part of my daughter life too. it was deep. it hurts that he just stopped loving me so quickly and now love someone else so greatly already! he tried to still communicate with me and have sex with me right after the break up but that didn’t help me to get over him..it made it worst. so finally I had to cut that out! it feels tho im never going to get over him! it hurt so bad to know that he gon have a baby and get married to this new gurl. I go back and forth with deciding if I want to start talking to someone else but ultimately I always feel like I don’t. I more often just wanna be by myself to focus on me. to better my life for me and my daughter. I still cant sleep at night, I toss and turn and wake up every 2 hours. I hate it. I just want to be rid of this pain and depression.
Brie, I’m praying for you. I hate that you are going through this. Heartbreak is one of the worst forms of pain and can feel like death is near. BUT as my own experience has taught me, IT DOES END. Not overnight, but eventually. You have a beautiful little girl to think about and to motivate you to move forward, and moving forward is KEY in your healing. Not looking back will be the wisest thing you could do in this situation. I pray for you to have peace and sleep. One day at a time, moment by moment, look forward and seek God for His purpose for you. The pain will recede and eventually dissipate and one day you will help someone else in their healing. Feel free to email me anytime. God bless.
I am currently going through an extremely difficult breakup I was in a relationship for 1 year and 9 months she told me she needed time to focus on school and to determine if she still the party girl or if she ready to settle down. We broke up a week ago and 2 days ago I discovered she has been sending pictures to guys and talking dirty with 2 guys which knowing that really makes me feel worse I really need some advice
Hi Justin. Thanks so much for reaching out and sharing. You sound like a really good guy, one who is genuine and looking for something real. Unfortunately it doesn’t sound like your ex is the same. It seems like she is not as mature and does not realize what a good thing she had with you. One day when she matures she will. The best thing for you to know during this time is that your worth is not defined by her rejection. She is the one missing out, not you! If anything her breaking up with you is a blessing in disguise. I’m sure you want someone who will be faithful to you and treat you with the respect you deserve. I would encourage you to take time out for yourself and heal before thinking about a new relationship. Get involved in activities that you enjoy. Find your passions. Rebuild your life that does not revolve around her. Whether its sports, music, hanging with friends. Do some volunteering and focus on others who are less fortunate. The pain will go away in time. But until it does surround yourself with people who love you and value you. People who affirm your identity and your calling. Your purpose is so much bigger than your ex. Also do not look back. Take it one day at a time and start discovering the life you were created for. In time you will see she did you a favor. Feel free to email me anytime. I hope some of those tips helped. God bless.
I remember when I had my heart broken and my mom said that time will heal all wounds… I didn’t believe her. I hated her for giving such advice but here’s the spoiler, time really heals. 🙂
So true Andy! Thanks for stopping by 🙂
Hi Nicole, thanks for sharing your experience. Believe me, men can be heartbroken too, and it can be as painful as it is for a woman. I am going through this right now.
I had been alone for quite a while and then three years ago met a person I really loved with all my heart. She also seemed to start developing feelings for me. Then there was a huge misunderstanding and we lost contact. Somehow I froze my feelings because I hoped we would get in touch again and be able to speak.
Unfortunately things turned out differently: I recently discovered she’s with someone else, and seems pretty much in love too. The world collapsed on me, could not sleep for days. The worst moments are over and I start to move on: this whole thing was a big kick that got me moving again and wanting to do new things. Friends helped and supported me, simply inviting me for dinner or for a walk. It helped a lot.
On the other hand I still find it difficult to accept all this. I deeply believed this was the one, and I was so happy to be in love again after being disappointed a few times… and now it is all gone. Again.
I try to be positive but I still feel overwhelmed by this situation. I have been strong in the past and I know time will heal this one too, but it hurts really bad right now.
Hi Giorgio, you are right. Men definitely go through heartbreak. I’m sorry to hear that you are in such pain but it sounds like you have some good people in your life to help you through it. We always have a choice of processing pain in healthy or unhealthy ways. I def have been guilty of the unhealthy as well as the healthy. But taking walks and going out to dinner are def healthy. I would encourage you to continue seeking healthy ways of processing. Some of my tips on how to do this is listed in this blog post. You are also right that time will heal. Just keep moving forward one day at a time establishing a new life for yourself. You will see that eventually you will no longer be heartbroken. And if you continue in becoming a healthy and whole single, you will no longer even desire your ex or anyone like her. You will desire to be with someone better and who is worthy of your love. Shalom to you my friend 🙂
Hi Nicole, thank you for sharing such a vulnerable, transparent post of your journey through healing from a heartbreak. It’s encouraging to me to know that with time, prayer, and healthy ways of processing the pain, with God’s help, healing will come. Your story and insight is such a blessing. May God bless you and continue to use you in incredible ways to minister to people who are experiencing heartbreaks. ❤️
Thank you so much Anna for your kind words! It’s not easy but God meets us in those hard places. And somehow someway turns are ashes into beauty❤️❤️❤️