Dying to Self

I’m listening to Misty Edwards as she cries out her passion for God in “Garden”.  I normally do not prefer her style of music although her songs do minister to me.  I usually like them when Kim Walker sings them.  I think today is different because the depth of Misty’s intimacy with God is what my soul needs.  I’m in a place right now where I wonder some days if I will make it.  Not just in this season, but in life.  Will I walk out the life He chose for me?  Even when I asked that question in the secret compartments of my being, Holy Spirit’s response is “of course”.  I know I will because He is in me.  It is His power that sustains us and gives us the endurance needed for this race.  Yet and still, the day by day of dying to self can seem overwhelming in the moment.  Not too long ago I read a blog about a man who shared that God told him not to work, but to write.  He had a wife and kids to support and yet God told him NOT TO WORK.  They were so close to poverty that they were foregoing paying their mortgage just so they could buy food.  So this man was given a word from God and because he is a part of a family unit his wife and kids were called to walk out this journey of faith as well.  It makes me think of Job.  He lost everything and was tested, yet his wife did not have the faith to endure this testing.  Fortunately for the blog writer he and his family endured.  God used his writing to bless them financially and provided just in time…the way He always does.  Now, this man is anointed to help others get through serious life circumstances.

I’ve been in a pretty reflective mood and I’m reminded of the sweet moments of intimacy I shared with my Maker during times of hardships and pain.  It was just me and Him, face to face, nothing else mattered.  I think that’s why I’m listening to Misty, because she’s there.  Face to face with her Maker, nothing else mattering.  And then she sings about it.  Trying to verbalize something eternal is no easy feat, but she does a pretty good job of it.

These days I feel resistance to His will surfacing and I starve my flesh to minimize the resistance yet the hunger pains prove to be even fiercer.  Even still, the emptiness in my stomach is only a physical manifestation of this truth.  That I am zeroed out.  That I am dying and have died.  That no longer do I live, but Christ lives in me (Gal 2:20).  Like Paul, I want to embrace this cross.  Embrace my weakness, because when all is seemingly lost all is truly found.  When we lose our lives, we really gain true life (Matthew 16:25).  So I breath in this time and savor it, even as the air painfully makes its way into my lungs, because these are the sweetest times to God.  To be a burnt offering before Him.  To offer ourselves, our lives, our dreams, our ambitions as a burnt offering.  It’s during these times that we get to say “I choose You Lord” even when it would hurt less if I didn’t.  Because in truth, You chose me when it would hurt You, hanging on the cross, so much less if you didn’t.